This is Linda! This is Linda who can't sleep! This is Linda wide awake and counting sheep!!Actually, I gave up, got out of bed, and made myself a cup of hot milk, took a sleeping pill and now waiting for it to make these eyes want to close and to shut off all these thoughts going through my head, so hopefully, I can head back to bed and fall into a dreamless sleep!
This past few days, since we put our loved cat down, has been a roller coaster of emotions that only those who have had pets, and have gone through this very upsetting, horrible, hateful procedure can fully understand.
My eyes, are literally always leaking! I may be fully involved with some task, not thinking of anything in particular when all of a sudden sadness will raise up from my heart and and the waterworks will start with one tear escaping down my cheek and a hard lump forming in my throat. Sometimes I feel numb, and at other times, I lash out at Tom, or him at me, and then want to just escape away somewhere where my thoughts and my world will go away.
They say it's natural to grieve for a pet, and I have the nature to grieve much too hard. To everyone this pet was a large part of my life for 17 years as I was to him. I was his safety, I was the one who he trusted, who cared for him and loved him.He was always with me, when I was home, always by my feet or in my lap, or even annoying me in some way, but one look at those beautiful big round green eyes, full of expression and I'd fill with love for him. To understand and realize he's gone forever takes more then a day or a simple wave of the hand in dismissal! My heart breaks when we walk in the house and he doesn't run to greet us at the door. I miss his purring beside me, his waking me in the morning, his constant chatter to me, which I even understood what certain meows meant. I miss his toys scattered around, his dish being there, the doors having to be opened, as he would only stand and meow behind a closed one. I really miss him every single night, as he knew it was time for my bath and would meow at me and make his sounds to encourage me to "come on, let's get on with it!" Then he'd lay patiently beside the tub, waiting for me to read my book and soak. Sometimes, he'd put his paws on the edge of the tub and wait for me to wring out my washcloth and wipe his face for him. We had a daily routine for everything that was his life, and I followed it as he pleased.
I can't forget Tom, who got such joy from every successful attempt he made in having Batty accept him more and more. Tom and Batty had a routine as well. Batty was Tom's alarm clock and made sure he got up and when finally Tom gave in and got up, I could hear the banter between them as Tom made his coffee and talking to Batty and Batty, chatting right back to him. Tom had a way of stroking him every night before getting into bed and telling Batty what a good boy he was, and I could hear Batman purring from the bottom of the bed in contentment. Or he'd go in for a visit to see Tom working on the computer and do a little "brrrup", his way of saying hello! Tom always stopped and gave him a treat! He had us twisted right around his little paws!!
Not only are there emotions within ourselves, but we seem to be taking our pain, that is laying so close to the surface of our feelings and taking pot shots at each other. Our emotions are riding a high wire right now, as we deal with it all. Hopefully soon, we can get back to normal and get on loving each other and showing it more then we have these past days. It's so easy to just get wrapped up in our own thoughts and memories and forget the other person is hurting also. It's just plain hard!!
We did a big clean up yesterday, discarding all that remind of us Batman. We even steam cleaned the rug. Tom must have found one of Batty's cat nip toys and threw it into the bathroom garbage, where I saw it today and now have it tucked away safe. I don't know how long I'll keep it. It's a toy he loved to toss up in the air and tumble with. It's stiff and covered with cat spit, but it was his and I'll keep it until the need is no longer biting at me to keep it.
They say talking or writing about a loss is cathartic and helps to get over the grief. Then I think "oh for heaven's sake...it's only a cat!!" But, nooooo, ladies and gentleman, this was a one of a kind cat! This cat brought me joy, laughter, caring, taught me patience and above all gave me so much love! This was my cat! This was OUR cat!! This was Batman!! The one and only BATMAN and we loved him. And we miss him, but he will be in our hearts forever with memories galore!!
So, tomorrow, or the next blog, I'll steer away from all this doom and gloom and get on with more cheerful things. Thanks for letting me vent!! It does help!
The pills are working, my eyes are harder to keep focused on the computer screen and I think it's time to pack it in for the night.
For those NON cat lovers out there, who just don't understand all the above...screw it!!! This is MY blog!!
Erica has always been very intelligent, and wise for her age and excellent in school. She excels in athletic and has won many awards. She was valedictorian for her graduation class last year and looked beautiful all dressed up.
